Almost every couple says the same thing in our first conversation: "we just want it to feel like us." Then three months later they're looking at a seating chart in a font they don't like, agreeing to a receiving line nobody wants, because that's what weddings apparently do.

Here's how the weddings that genuinely feel personal get that way. Very little of it is expensive.

Start with the feeling, not the Pinterest board

Before any decisions, answer this out loud: what do we want people to say in the car on the way home? "That was so relaxed." "The food was unbelievable." "I danced all night." "I've never seen them so happy."

Whatever that sentence is, it's your brief. Every subsequent decision either serves it or doesn't. It's remarkably good at settling arguments.

Write down what you're only doing because you think you have to

A cake you won't eat. Favours that get left on the table. Three speeches from people who don't want to speak. A first dance you're dreading. A bouquet toss.

None of it is compulsory. Not one thing. Cross off anything that doesn't earn its place and spend that money and attention on something you actually care about.

Personal is specific, not themed

A "theme" tends to flatten a wedding. Specific details do the opposite. The pub you had your first date in becomes the name of a table. Your grandmother's handwriting on the order of service. Your dog in the photographs. The playlist from the road trip. The dish from the country you got engaged in as a canapé.

Three or four of those beat any colour scheme. Guests notice specificity — it's the difference between a nice wedding and yours.

The ceremony is where it counts most

This is the bit people underestimate. A celebrant-led ceremony can include your story, your humour, your friends, a reading from a film you love, a ritual that means something to you. Half an hour that actually sounds like the two of you sets the tone for everything after it.

If you're having a registrar, you can still choose readings and music that are properly yours — and hold a blessing or a celebrant ceremony separately.

Feed people the food you like

Sharing boards, a curry, a proper roast, your dad's paella, a pizza van at eleven. Formal three courses if that's genuinely you. Food is the single biggest thing guests remember and it's the easiest place to be yourselves.

Protect the bits that are just for you

Ten minutes alone together after the ceremony. Breakfast in the morning with no one else. A walk to the coast at golden hour with the photographer. Build them into the timeline or they will not happen — someone will always want to talk to you.

You're allowed to ignore tradition

Two brides, two grooms, both of you walking in together, no aisle at all, no bridal party, everyone in whatever colour they like. As a gay woman married to my wife, I've had the "but which of you is…" conversation more than once. The answer is always: whichever we want, or neither.

Every couple gets to decide what their wedding looks like. That's the whole point of it.

And say the awkward thing early

Usually it's family. Who walks you down, who's on the top table, who's not invited. Have that conversation in month two, not month ten. It's never as bad as you think and it stops one unresolved thing quietly shaping the entire day.

If you want a hand working out what your version of a wedding actually looks like — whether that's full wedding planning or a small, quiet micro wedding — that's genuinely my favourite part of the job. Come and tell me about it.

How to make your wedding feel like you